17 Months

It’s the 26th again. 17 months. How many deaths did I hear about since my sister’s passing. How many young deaths and each time my heart breaks all over again. I know she is in a better place. People might find peace knowing that. I don’t. Not yet. I hope I will one day. Now all I could think of is her son who is left motherless. I think of her parents who have to live on with this big hole in their lives that no other child not even a grand child could ever fill. They had only one X. and she is gone. I think selfishly of myself who is left without her sister who was so close to her, a sister who is there in every memory I have for over 30 years. I think of how much I need her now in my life. I’ve never felt lonelier in my life than those past 17 months. X. is gone to a better place insha Allah but she left us all loving her and missing her more every minute of every day for the past 17 months.
الله يرحمك يا ز. يا حبيبتي. الله يعين بابا و ماما و آحمد و كل اخوتك على فراقك و يعوضهم كل خير.
الله يعيني على فراقك يا حبيبتي و الله يصبرني على كل الايام الجاي من غيرك يا اختي.

16 Months.

Today I had news that I wished I can share it with her. In my head I did. I can hear her response so vividly. I hear her voice. I see her face relaxes with her sisterly love shining through. And I’m confused. Is it really just in my head or is it happening in reality.
Sigh.
Even when you are beyond physical reach. You remain my best friend, my lil sister and my biggest supporter and you are as ever here living inside my head and my heart for years to come.

In memory of 16 months from my sister X’s passing. May God cloak her with mercy and light.

Thank You

Every month is a countdown to the 26. Today is the 15th month since her passing.
And today I want to say something I should’ve said long time ago.
THANK YOU to all those who have stood by me those last 15 months. I appreciate every kind word, every hug, every sincere tear, every virtual heart and hug. Thank you for understanding that I’m in pain. And not forcing me out but accepting my grief.

Crying For You

We all have been very strong. We don’t cry together. Each suffer and cry alone. But last week. I cried for you once with mum and once with our sister L.

Mum who keeps a steel wall on her face all the time, she couldn’t that time. She just succumbed to her feelings and told me how much she is suffering and how she can’t go on. She allowed herself to cry in front of me. Her tears ran so deep within me. I couldn’t say anything. I just cried too on the other side of the phone thousands of miles away.

As for sister L. I was on the phone when I told her how much I miss you as my truest friend. How much NOW I need you. I need to sit and talk to you. And I can’t find you and it so damn hard. And then I just cried like a baby leaving L. speechless as she never heard me cry like this.

 

We might hide our tears and cry in solitude. But our tears run so strong and so deep. We just miss you X. We miss you more by the day.

Narcissist?

An old friend just told me that I’m a narcissist. The reason is because I told her that I was upset from her lack of support for me during my grieving process.

It’s really painful when people you care about try to make you feel bad about yourself.

Grief is a very lonely and dark place. Maybe it’s hard to understand.

Does that make me a Narcissist?

If I’m looking at a pond. It would be a pond of the past and all I can see is my sister’s face not mine rippling between the memories.

Greifing Here and There

I wrote this on the 17th July on my facebook.

[[I honestly reached a point where my heart can't take any more. Aside from the accumulated anger of all those years of injustice, world silence, Arab's treason and occupation. I'm lost in the eyes and faces of those who cry the passing of a loved one.
I'm not self-centered. But their suffering is magnified by my own experience of losing my sister. That pain you see, that void, that 'thing' which can hardly be described is known to me.
I'm so very sorry for all those who have lost someone or even a whole bunch of someones. I feel your pain. But all I can do is sit silently in mourning with you.
]]