Every month is a countdown to the 26. Today is the 15th month since her passing.
And today I want to say something I should’ve said long time ago.
THANK YOU to all those who have stood by me those last 15 months. I appreciate every kind word, every hug, every sincere tear, every virtual heart and hug. Thank you for understanding that I’m in pain. And not forcing me out but accepting my grief.
We all have been very strong. We don’t cry together. Each suffer and cry alone. But last week. I cried for you once with mum and once with our sister L.
Mum who keeps a steel wall on her face all the time, she couldn’t that time. She just succumbed to her feelings and told me how much she is suffering and how she can’t go on. She allowed herself to cry in front of me. Her tears ran so deep within me. I couldn’t say anything. I just cried too on the other side of the phone thousands of miles away.
As for sister L. I was on the phone when I told her how much I miss you as my truest friend. How much NOW I need you. I need to sit and talk to you. And I can’t find you and it so damn hard. And then I just cried like a baby leaving L. speechless as she never heard me cry like this.
We might hide our tears and cry in solitude. But our tears run so strong and so deep. We just miss you X. We miss you more by the day.
An old friend just told me that I’m a narcissist. The reason is because I told her that I was upset from her lack of support for me during my grieving process.
It’s really painful when people you care about try to make you feel bad about yourself.
Grief is a very lonely and dark place. Maybe it’s hard to understand.
Does that make me a Narcissist?
If I’m looking at a pond. It would be a pond of the past and all I can see is my sister’s face not mine rippling between the memories.
I wrote this on the 17th July on my facebook.
[[I honestly reached a point where my heart can't take any more. Aside from the accumulated anger of all those years of injustice, world silence, Arab's treason and occupation. I'm lost in the eyes and faces of those who cry the passing of a loved one.
I'm not self-centered. But their suffering is magnified by my own experience of losing my sister. That pain you see, that void, that 'thing' which can hardly be described is known to me.
I'm so very sorry for all those who have lost someone or even a whole bunch of someones. I feel your pain. But all I can do is sit silently in mourning with you.]]
I wrote this on the 26th July on my facebook.
[[It's been 14 months since you left. Not a day passes by without in my mind. I wish I told you more how much I love you. There will be no replacing of what you meant to me my most beloved sister.
I love you X.]]
It’s been too long since I posted. I had many reasons. During my absence these things happened.
:: 13th July; my baby Joška turned 2.
::26th July; my sister’s 14th month passing anniversary.
:: Ramadan started and ended.
:: Gaza is still under the vicious attack of Israel. So many lives lost. So much grief. My heart is broken a thousands times a day.
:: I got really sick for 10 days. I’m better now.
The day before she died for whatever odd reason I remember I was thinking about death. In my culture there is a saying that you can replace a husband or wife or your children if they die but you can’t replace your siblings and that is why it is considered the most hard to deal with.
Of course now I know that this is total nonsense. When you lose someone be it your parents, children, siblings, partners or even lovers. You don’t lose someone who is labeled so. You lose that person in her/his all being regardless of the label. And that is why if you lose someone that you truly love no matter who she or he is, you just can’t replace them.
My sister was a special person to me. And in all the labels she had fulfilled for all the people who truly loved her, she is irreplaceable.
Once upon time I considered 13 as my lucky number. I was born on a 13. I got married on a 13. I had my baby on a 13.
I thought that 2013 would be a lucky year for me. It wasn’t. My sister X. died that year. And thus breaking my positive connection with that number.
I know it is all very stupid. It’s just a number.
But today it is 13 months since her passing.